To Fight

I'm ready to fight.  I'm going to fight bad, okay, and even normal.  Passivity will not be a defining word.  I'm taking full responsibility for my actions.  And I'm going to make good ones.  I'm going to climb up this mountain.    

Real

I've decided that I need to start blogging more.  I think it would be good for me.  There's so many things I want to change in my life and I feel like getting some things out through writing would be beneficial.  I'm not very fond of who I am right now and I know who I don't want to become, so I'm deciding who I do want to become.  Hope that makes sense...  So this post might be a little random, but I'm just going to share some things.

Lately I've felt frustrated with the fact that so many times when I am spending time with someone it seems like they are the ones who do all the talking.  Don't get me wrong, I love to listen.  I've learned how important it is.  I want people to know that they are loved and what they have to say matters.  And sometimes people don't need someone to give commentary on everything that is said, they just need to talk.  I understand this and try my best to be a good listener and friend.  It's not always something I succeed at, but I try.  However, at times I wonder, "Who will listen to me?"  It's not a huge deal, but here lately it seems that every time someone asks something, they don't stay to hear the answer, or when I talk their eyes start to wander and they lose interest, or they don't hear me, or they speak so continually that there is no chance for me to get a word in.  (Note: I never have this problem with my mom--one of the many reasons she is my best friend.)  So the other day the thought crossed my mind that I have a loving God who is just waiting for me to share my heart with Him.  I didn't take time for it to sink in, but let it pass.  On Sunday Mom needed me to work in the nursery both services, and from what I heard it was a GREAT service.  Well, I was hanging out with the 2 and 3 year olds...  But our lesson was more that what I needed.  The lesson was about God being a great friend and that we can talk to Him about everything.  We can thank Him for all He has done for us, ask Him for help, and ask Him for forgiveness when we mess up.  We can talk to Him anytime, wherever we are.  As simple as it is, ya'll I had CHURCH with the 2 and 3 year olds.  When I started to share the lesson with them I may have gotten a little too into it and I'm sure they probably didn't understand much of what I said (they get distracted easily...), but it hit home with me.

More and more I'm seeing that everyone has junk in their closet.  And there is absolutely no one perfect, or even good.  And it's time for us to get real.  In September I was trying to decided which small group I should go to for the fall (small group is like a church Bible study group).  I looked at a few and saw one in particular that I though I should join, but then was hesitant.  I knew most of the people in the group and felt that they had all their stuff together, that I didn't fit in with them, and that I would most definitely be judged if they knew all the stuff in my life.  But when the leader of the group called to invite me, I had to say yes.  I won't lie, the first few weeks were kinda hard for me.  I wasn't exactly comfortable.  But then the more I got to know everyone, the more I realized what I had in common with them.  And then, two weeks ago we split up guys and girls to share time when either God had not answered prayers like we thought He would or when we had made mistakes and couldn't see how any good could come from them.  One of the girls opened up and shared some really tough stuff.  Then almost everyone went around and told things that they were dealing with.  I even got up the nerve to share a deep struggle I have.  Then we all prayed for each other.  By the end, I don't think any of us had dry eyes.  I know it shouldn't have surprised me, but I thought to myself, "These are REAL people!"  They have problems too and I'm not alone!  Oh how refreshing it was...  We shouldn't be surprised.  Everyone has junk.  Everyone has difficult circumstances, sin, and heartache.  We live in a broken world.  And the only way we're going to make it through and live the lives we were created for, is to get real with each other, lock arms, and walk together through the good and bad.

Seeing Eyes

Life is always full of so many twists and turns and uncertainties...  But we step out into the unknown anyway.  I feel like I'm being led to take my life away from Memphis for awhile, but the longer I'm here the more needs I see and want to see through.  From the homeless man I pass every Wednesday to the 4th graders needing help in school to the widow all alone to the young woman in need of guidance to the refugees wanting to learn English...  My heart is so big, yet my body is so small.  Sometimes I wonder how I could ever leave Memphis, but then I'm reminded that there will always be needs and that needs will abound wherever I go.  If only I have the eyes to see.

"Tell me how much you know of the suffering of your fellow men, and I will tell you how much you have loved them."
Helmut Thielicke

All in Perspective

When I sit down to write the first thought is "Where to begin..." It's always my question, then comes a deep sigh, and stillness until the thoughts begin to flow. I've had so many thoughts running around in my mind today. When you're bored, I guess that's just what happens. Right now I'm at the most wonderful yet uncertain places. I have no plans, no commitments. And I have no idea what this next year will hold for me. Before I left for Costa Rica, I was enrolled in grad school. Now I've decided to postpone that endeavor. I have no doubt I made the right decision in doing that. But now what? Chile, Honduras, Africa, Costa Rica... Only God knows. And I'm counting on Him to lead me.

Right now I'm in Yazoo City, Mississippi visiting family. I've always enjoyed coming down here for the most part. But it seems that I realize more and more how I don't fit in. And many in my family definitely don't understand me. I was talking to my aunts about what it's like traveling by myself. One aunt said that she's scared to just go to the state capital by herself-- and they speak English! But last night I thought about how easily I accept other cultures and see their value, but at times I don't do the same for the culture that I come from.

I've been learning a lot about not judging others and love lately. When I see myself and my faults clearly, it is so much easier to love others. Humility and love are key. It's so crazy how as you grow up you look back and go "Now I understand!!" We must always remember that there are so many things that we don't know about people, situations, and life. So we just have to stay humble and love. Love, love, love. Even when you don't want to or don't think they deserve it. Who are we to judge or withhold love? Do you know who you are? Take a look in the mirror, buddio, and remember the Man on the cross. I hope this lesson sinks deep in my soul. It's something I need to learn.

See, we don't need to be tryin to drag the homeless, or any kinda needy people to ''programs,'' to ''services.'' What people needs is people.

And needy people don't need no perfect people neither. When Jesus sent His disciples out, He sent Peter right along, knowin Peter had a bad temper and a potty mouth and was gon deny Him three times. He sent John and James even though they was full a' pride and fightin over the best seat at the table. He even sent Judas, knowin Judas was gon' betray Him. Even though Jesus knowed all a' their sin and weakness, He sent 'em anyway.

Listen, if the devil ain't messin with you, he's already got you. If you is waitin to clean up your own life before you get out and help somebody else, you may as well take off your shoes and crawl back in the bed 'cause it ain't never gon' happen. Jesus don't need no help from no perfect saints. If He did, He wouldn't a' gone up yonder and left us down here in charge.

Denver Moore

from What Difference Do It Make?

Broken Jar

Where to begin... Well, I've been in Central America for about 2 months now. Six days left. This trip has been incredible and full of so much. I have experienced and learned so much. It has been just as much a journey of the soul as a journey of the feet. When I left home, I was unsettled and full of questions. I found what I needed down here. Before I left I was in a way, trying to consolidate myself and make sense of who I had become. When I stopped looking at myself and started looking at God, I gained clarity. One hugely important thing God has pressed on my heart is that He longs for a relationship with me. He doesn't care that I am a complete mess. He wants to be with me in the mess. He is never far away from me. One of my problems is that when I sin and mess up I get the feeling that God is mad or disappointed in me, so I distance myself when I'm not ''perfect.'' Guess what? I AM NOT PERFECT!! So I must remain in God's presence with my unperfect state and allow His love to change me. When I'm doing good: go to God. When I'm doing bad: go to God. And know that I am unconditionally loved by Him. I need Him. And I must allow Him to fulfill my every need instead of turning to other empty things. When I am fulfilled in God my heart is able to be at rest. No more striving--rest.

No more façades, no more masks... the bare, stripped down me. I am what I am; I've done what I've done. But I have also been forgiven and God's love sets me free!

For the past month I've been camped out in 1 John. That book has come alive to me. Three passages that God has spoken to me:

''If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.'' 1 John 1:6

''By this we know that we are in Him: the one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked.'' 1 John 2:5-6

''I have written to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one.'' 1 John 2:14

I'm now so excited about going home. Not because I'm homesick and not because I'm tired of traveling... because I await a new adventure.

Books that have impacted my journey recently: Captivating by John and Staci Eldridge, The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer, and What Difference Do It Make? by Ron Hall, Denver Moore, and Lynn Vincent

Dear Sir

Dear Sir,

I wish you could see that things are different now. I'm not who I was.

I used to blame you for everything that I was going through. Now I take the blame.

I'm sorry for being such a fool. But I'm moving on past all of that.

I know I'm the reason I'm alone. But it's how I want it.

I know who I want to be, I envision it, and I'm moving towards it one day at a time. Each day I grow stronger and past memories become more faint.

I'm sick of reaching for something when I know it will only bite back. I know how the story goes. I'm sick of repeating it.

But enough of that. I'm thinking about the future. I'm free. I am not bound to anything, and it brings me the greatest joy. My life is simple and uncomplicated. The only complications are those in my mind and they are gradually unravelling. I'm still far from where I want to be, but I'm doing good. I'm gonna be alright. In fact, I'm gonna be wonderful.

Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I'm filled with regret and shame. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I scream. But other times... Other times I smile.

Thank God I know who I am.

Water: My New Bestfriend

About a week or so ago I discovered that I was dehydrated. I was drinking about 2 cups of liquid a day, and hardly ever water. Once I realized the problem and why I was so fatigued, I started drinking a lot of water. I invested in a cute little water bottle that I now take everywhere with me. I've gone from drinking hardly anything to around 3 liters of water a day. I feel so much better and I have more energy. Only down side is that I'm going to the bathroom almost every hour!!!

Not your problem?

So the other day at work I asked this man if he would like to donate $1 to the Muscular Dystrophy Association. He replied, "I have enough problems of my own to worry about someone else's." I just proceeded to take his order, but couldn't help but thinking about what he said.

Last week I was at Dobbs Honda getting my oil changed. I overheard a woman in the waiting room commenting about the news on tv. She was complaining about the U.S. always helping out other countries. She said, "They have wars, tsunamis, earthquakes, and we always run to their rescue. It's not our problem!" I wanted to yell at her and say, "Do realize what you just said?!?!" "It's not our problem?"

Yesterday I was driving home through a 4-way stop and I saw that one part of the 4-way stop was backed up at least 15 cars, and the car at the front had died. Two men were trying to push it out of the way, but were having trouble. And out of however many cars, no one else could get out to help??? I guess it wasn't their problem.

I could start listing all of the things wrong with this attitude, but I won't even start. I might hit somebody.

Waiting for a Day

I can't wait for the day when I can get involved in a Bible study group, when I have time to invest in friendships, when I can spend a Saturday doing nothing and not feel guilty, when I can work my butt off for more than minimum wage, when I can spend time with all of the people that get my leftovers (or nothing), when I can sit and read a good book, when I can finish all of the writing projects I've had for years, when I can make a trip to visit family, when I am without stress...

I graduate in about 4 weeks. Maybe this day will be soon???

Fresh Wind

So... Spring break. Supposed to be fun, right? Completely bombing the GRE, getting my car destroyed by a crazy woman, going to a funeral... Sound fun? You wanna know the crazy part? I didn't cry about any of that. But yesterday I bent my fingernail back and started tearing up! Oh boy... It's always the little things that get to me.

Despite all the yuck, life is good. I've gotten a fresh wind lately. Maybe it's Spring, maybe it's God, maybe it's brokenness, or maybe a combination... Whatever it is, I'm relishing it.

Innocence?

Where is the point at which we lose our innocence? Where do we go from a world where everyone has good intentions, our minds are unpolluted, and "wrong" things offend? Is it at a certain age, an experience, a conversation? No. It's a gradual, creeping corruption. It's barely noticed until one day we look up and ask, "What happened to my innocence?" But, innocence? Were we ever truly innocent? Were we ever free of sin and death? No, we are born with it. But at one time certain things were unknown to us. There were sins unknown and thoughts inconceivable. And then, through time, we gradually open that door and watch our "innocence" slowly fall away. For a while we are glad to no longer be naive, but there is a cost. We cannot expect to experience without being changed. Some say the change is good... but some wish they could go back. If I could, I would go back and do things differently. I would hold onto truth and conviction, refusing to believe the lies that I was fed. I would choose difficult over easy, loneliness over false friends, conviction over comfort, light over dark, truth over lies, freedom over captivity, life over death, joy over pain... I would choose Christ over me.